I Choose My Thoughts! I do? Oh YES, I do!

I'd heard for years about the concept and power of choosing one's thoughts, but it wasn't until February 2022, two months into my Heartwork Journaling Certification that that concept became embodied. I was hysterical, practically hyperventilating, and crying as my husband told me to breathe from the passenger seat immediately after our car was hit from behind in an intersection. I'd tapped the brakes lightly, slightly confused about a flashing yellow light on a left hand turn when our car was shoved violently across the intersection. 

While completely hysterical and gasping for breath many thoughts came to mind: "I did this. It's all my fault. I fail at everything. I shouldn't be allowed to live." AND ... then a flash of awareness:

"I choose my thoughts!"

I was still hysterical and being coached by my husband to just breathe as my mind reeled, asking, "What actually happened?" 

I realized in that moment that I could continue to beat myself up, berate myself, and feel badly for as long as I desired telling and retelling the story of my supposed failure OR I could become really present with the reality of the situation, which simply was: the car needed to be fixed. That is it. The car needed to be fixed. In that flash of understanding I realized that that simple fact meant nothing about me, my ability to succeed at life, my worth, deservingness, or my competence. Absolutely nothing. And I was free. Free from the sometimes tyrannical voice in my head that was critical, judgmental, and at times self loathing. 

From that startling moment onward, I have embarked on a journey of revelatory discovery as I come into a deeper awareness of what I am thinking, discerning whether those thoughts are helpful, and embracing the freedom and power inherent in knowing with certainty that I can and do choose my own thoughts. 

Our brains are our own personal king/queendom with a running soundtrack that seems random, programmed from outside sources, and out of our control, but is really just a part of being human that is 100% within our control always. Realizing this is so incredibly freeing. It isn't always easy to capture those pesky thoughts, especially the ones that we have been thinking for so long we don't even notice them anymore, we just assume they are true: beliefs. Once I realized I could actually choose my thoughts, however, I became fascinated by the process of figuring out what nonsense I had assumed I had to listen to on my inner soundtrack and I started changing the channel. 

"I did this" became "Nothing has gone wrong." 

"I fail at everything" became "Every time I 'fail' I learn something new and that new thing moves me forward in life."

"I shouldn't be allowed to live," became "This experience is a part of life. I have the power to choose my response to anything I experience. I chose to respond with kindness and love for myself an others."

Realizing that I have the power to choose my thoughts and change my thoughts has softened my inner self talk, expanded my view of the world, and forever altered how I navigate my experiences. I am forever grateful for that hysterical moment of clarity that I may not have embodied as fully had I not been having a very real, visceral reaction to being in an accident I thought I'd caused. I am especially grateful for Maritza Parra, founder of Heartwork Journaling, for gently teaching, showing, and modeling for me the power, potential, and possibility of choosing one's thoughts. You can learn from her too. 

Wednesday-Sunday, November 15-19
Doodle Your Emotions: Live with Maritza Parra, Online
"Emotional Awareness is a SKILL you can learn to create the life you want. Creativity and play is INCREDIBLY effective at creating lasting change. Doodles allow you to observe your thoughts, emotions, behaviors and how they all contribute to creating your results. Join this live 5 day series and use simple creativity to achieve deep and lasting personal growth. Cost: $47"

Note: this is an affiliate link (my very first!) I believe in this work strongly because it changed my life, so I partnered with Maritza to bring her work to you. If you enroll in DYE using this link I will receive a portion of your registration fee.

Discovery: A Short Film & Filmmaker David Cowardin

Art has a very public face, but for the artist, it is a very personal journey. 

It is my great joy to share my short art film Discovery (5:31 min.) with you, which documents my solo art exhibition of the same name that debuted at Blue Cross/Blue Shield in November 2022. This short film was created by videographer David Cowardin, owner of Blue Forest Films, in Duluth, MN.

David is a masterful filmmaker and storyteller who I met in 2015 when his then film company Lola Visuals was recommended to me by a friend. The resulting film, Life & Art Entangled (17 min.), captured the artwork on a studio upright piano I painted white and covered in patterns, one line at a time. David's ability to reveal the heart of his subject through visuals and sound is remarkable. That film turned into a very personal reflection of my path from state prosecutor to artist and includes improv pianist Peter Brown's original composition. 

I was supremely grateful David agreed to make a second film for me, this time shorter, but no less powerful in its delivery. I had the opportunity to interview David about his expertise, love of film, and the making of Discovery in Episode 8 of The Eternal Possibility Hour: David Cowardin. I hope you enjoy them both!

Behind the scenes of Discovery, a short film by David Cowardin.

A Poem I love

𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙲𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 I𝚝 A𝚕𝚕

𝚋𝚢 J𝚞𝚕𝚒𝚊 F𝚎𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚛*

 

Go gently today, don’t hurry
or think about the next thing. Walk
with the quiet trees, can you believe
how brave they are—how kind? Model your life
after theirs. Blow kisses
at yourself in the mirror

especially when
you think you’ve messed up. Forgive
yourself for not meeting your unreasonable
expectations. You are human, not
God—don’t be so arrogant.

Praise fresh air
clean water, good dogs. Spin
something from joy. Open
a window, even if
it’s cold outside. Sit. Close
your eyes. Breathe. Allow

the river
of it all to pulse
through eyelashes
fingertips, bare toes. Breathe in
breathe out. Breathe until

you feel
your bigness, until the sun
rises in your veins. Breathe
until you stop needing
anything
to be different.  

I simply love this poem. I spied it on Facebook when my former yoga teacher, Julie Deters, posted it. My favorite line: "Breathe until you stop needing anything to be different." xo
* to learn more about Julia Fehrenbacher, go here: https://www.juliafehrenbacher.com/

Simple Tips for Happiness!

Two friends shared two things with me this week that resonated and they allowed me to share them with you. First, my talented friend Heather shared a simple, beautiful channel from her team about the "tennis match" that goes on in the human brain when trying to decide anything. This channel was in response to something I'd forwarded to her re: the angel that sits on one shoulder and the devil that sits on the other, both trying to convince you that their individual and opposing perspectives will surely benefit you. The post I'd sent to her didn't resonate fully, so she sought higher guidance and was rewarded, fully. Here is the channel she shared with me.

A channeled message received by Heather Braden, July 2023

Greetings dear one. Relax and breathe allowing your body and your breath to soften. We are here. Allow all the tangles to be present and allow yourself to soften at the same time. Allow yourself to just let them be. Think about a tangled necklace and how you very gently rub at the knot. You might try to gently tease it out, softening the grip of the knot. You do not yank or pull at it with any vigour, dear one. It is with gentle tenderness that the knots are released. This is the exact approach that we want you to use with your mind. Very kindly and gently notice what is going on in there.

You have heard of the analogy of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. This can feel like truth because you host conversations in your mind that often take the form of “You should do this!” “You can’t do that, it is wrong!” And what you might deem there to be a good side and a bad sided debate taking place. Humans have a love for labelling things, thoughts included, as good or bad. We have shared with you that thoughts are simply neutral, and you, with your perceptions and judgments, apply the charge to the thoughts.

Rather than the implications of a ‘good guy’ and a ‘bad guy,’ we encourage you to visualize a tennis match going on, with one player or team on your right shoulder and another on your left. They rally balls, without stopping and you feel them as they ping back and forth. You may notice one team scoring several points in a row, and the other becoming aggressive for a comeback. It can become a very invigorating game indeed.

These balls, as you know, take the form of thoughts. As you become attached, and begin catching the balls, they turn into beliefs. This scores a point. Your job, as the human in the middle is to notice the game being played, and to allow for the rally, but to keep the scoring to a minimum. See if you can observe the balls being passed and keep your hands free for that which is important to you.

Let’s pretend that one team has red balls and the other team scores with blue balls and you are present with arms open and a velcro strip inside your mind. You can notice how many balls are becoming attached. Imagine yourself catching and holding every ball during a day-long rally. Can you imagine just how full the vector board would become, and how exhausted and distracted you would feel? This is why we encourage you to soften, and just let the balls bounce on. They are only balls, dear one. You do not need to engage with them.

When you keep getting hit with a load of tennis balls, it can indeed become stressful and overwhelming. Especially when you are getting in their path and attempting to catch them all. Allow the match to play on, dear one, because it will, and allow yourself to simply observe. Sometimes, you might remark something like “Woah, this is a really heated match today”, and we encourage you to breathe deeply. Being aware is wonderful. Trying to catch and hold onto every flying ball is not. Allow, dear one. Let the balls fly. Let the match go on because this is what tennis players do.

If you see a ball that appears sparkly and appealing, by all means catch it and take hold of it. Allow yourself to play with it and explore its beauty. You are to be selective. Observe and choose your catches with conscious awareness, for they will determine the flow of your day, and the reality you create. Breathe deeply, and know that, in truth, life is but a game. Enjoy the journey and trust that you have the discernment as to when to jump in and play, and when it is best to be the witness. You are on your path. All our love.

What I love about her guides' response is it encourages neutrality. As humans we look at everything as good or bad. Do more good, do less bad: the recipe for life. While in its simplest form that is helpful, it ignores the source of good and bad, which is not, as most people think, societal norms, or laws/rules, or religion, spirituality or, dare I say, God. Everything is neutral. Every circumstance, occurrence, word, action, thought is neutral until we, individually and collectively, give each of those things meaning. We attach meaning. We choose what meaning to attach to everything and in so doing we create our world and how we feel about that world.

The magical thing about this is that everything, absolutely everything, can be seen as both good and bad, depending on your perspective. At first, that sounds a little insane, perhaps, and a mite bit confusing, and then ... it feels freeing once it is realized that shifting your perspective is all that is needed to turn any circumstance from trouble to blessing. That shift is where miracles are born. 

Of course, humans are habituated to see things as good or bad and hide their role in the decision making from themselves making it easy to blame outside circumstances for anything displeasing. And so that is where the second of two things shared with me comes in. My friend Tal sent me a Facebook reel by Dr. Daniel Amen wherein he shares two super simple and helpful tips for priming your brain to look at life more positively. In short: 

1) Wake up with intention and say "Today is going to be a great day!" and
2) Before bed, review your day and think about what went well that day to prime your brain for the next day while you sleep.

To listen to Dr. Amen describe this process, Click Here. 

We are only here, in human form, for a brief time. For me, I'm realizing that it is easier to walk with my fellow humans when I view them and my world with love, compassion, forgiveness, and joy. Both of these shares are helping me to deepen my awareness about how I navigate my mental chatter and my day so I can understand the meaning I am making and its out pictured results in my life. xo 

To hear more about Heather's approach to channeling and automatic writing, you can watch my interview of her on Youtube: The Eternal Possibility Hour: Episode 1, Heather Braden

To learn more about Dr. Daniel Amen and his work changing the brain with simple daily practices, visit his website here.

Heather's Courage Card Heart

Delight

I love being delighted. My friend Heather delighted me recently when I found a whimsically tangled envelope in my mailbox. Heather has been drawing with me on Fridays for my Zentangle (R) Explore class for months and her beautifully decorated envelope with a creative twist on the pattern drawn thrilled me.

I am always encouraging my students to draw on envelopes because it is a wonderful way to practice drawing. It is fun to practice new patterns, or play with new pens, or add color with neon highlighters or add a touch of sparkle. And, when you create art and send it out into the world you never know how many people it will delight along the way to its intended recipient. 

When I opened the envelope, I was delighted all over again as I found a heart shaped note on pink cardstock and 38 individually cut red cardstock hearts containing 38 beautiful affirmations. Thrilled, times two! I loved that she spent so much time and effort cutting out the hearts and hand writing each affirmation. A gift of time, attention, and creativity.

I love taking affirmations, which are powerful reminders individually, and linking them together to form a short poem, or prayer. The combinations are just about endless and each new combination creates a new kind of courage. Here is the 4 sentence affirmation prayer I created using Heather's cards:

Peace begins with me.

I find freedom through vulnerability.

There are no limits to the courage that lies within me.

I am a magnet for miracles.

Heather's envelope with
flying heart Beadlines (Margaret Bremner, CZT).

.

38 Lovely Affirmation Hearts!

Misha liked Heather's hearts, too!

Creative Confidence: This is why I teach.

Who gets to say whether I am good enough at anything? I do. Just me. And, yet, there are so  many other voices that chime in throughout our lives to let us know whether we measure up to whatever standard is being used as the one to meet. I taught my first of four youth community education classes on June 6 via Zoom. All five Melrose, Minnesota, kiddos, ages 8-12, were delightful and created beautiful tiles. And ... as soon as the class ended, I received this note from a twelve year old boy's mother, who gave me permission to share:

"Hi Esther, Thank you for providing this class! D.S. enjoyed it! He’s had unpleasant experiences with being graded for his work in art class and has started to believe he “can’t do art”. Thank you for reminding him that he’s a great artist!" R.S.

Her comment warmed my heart and broke it at the very same time. I immediately thought to myself, "This is why I teach." Her note reaffirmed my dedication to share the beauty, simplicity and accessibility of the Zentangle method with anyone who wants to learn. Since I began teaching in 2013, I have heard this story over and over again from people of all ages. I even have my very own art teacher story. 

In grade school we were asked to create a self portrait. I did my very best and when the teacher saw my page he brought me over to the mirror, held up my picture and asked, "Does this look like you?" Of course, it looked nothing like me. I was devastated and immediately felt like the worst artist in the world. 

As an adult, I can look back on this incident and ask, well, whose fault was it, truly, that I lacked the skills necessary to draw an accurate self portrait in grade school? But I lacked perspective about it at the time and took his comment personally. Fortunately, I did not give up on being creative or pursuing art, but so many others, with similar stories, have given up on their creative dreams. It truly breaks my heart.

All beings are creative. We are hard wired to create and through that creation to experience joy. Does it matter whether it looks like the teacher's? No. Does it matter whether your spouse, your children, or your mailman like what you have created? No. Does it matter if your creation wins any awards? No.

What really matters is whether creating brings you joy. Does making something colorful and messy and simple calm your mind, delight your heart, and enliven your spirit? If so, then create. Create boldly, wildly, freely every day in whatever way brings you joy. 

Drawing brings me joy and providing the opportunity for others to experience their own joy through drawing also brings me joy. This is why I teach. 

I am present, or am I?

Presence

This past week while I was working on one of two original art pieces for a juried art show, I realized I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and became curious as to why. It's a pattern that has repeated itself over the years and feeling quite tired of it, I began to explore it's origin. After some thought, I realized that while my body was here in the present with my artwork, my attention was sitting on a future calendar date tapping its foot and yelling "Hurry up already! I'm waiting!"

Two of me. Or, more accurately, me, splitting myself in two: Half of me physically creating, the other half a week away worrying about the deadline. Thoughts of the future will always cause anxiety because they are as yet just thoughts. When I pulled myself back into this moment and focused my attention on what I was creating, I felt more whole, more centered, and the creation process was far more enjoyable. 

My artist friend Erika Mock included this on point quote in a recent email: "It may not look like much, not with all these other distractions, but we make things holy by the kind of attention we give them." Martin Shaw, Storyteller from Smoke Hole: Looking to the Wild in the Time of the Spyglass I agree completely.

If, when, I feel anxious in the future, I'll go searching for where I've planted my attention and will gently call it home to this now moment, where all of my creative power lies.