Last weekend I went to a holiday party and ate many cookies and much chocolate. Since declaring my Whole Health Mission in 2005, I have taken great care to educate myself about nutrition and what is best for my body. Throughout this process, however, I have continued to accommodate a pattern of binge eating that is not in alignment with my goal of becoming truly healthy. At the party, a concerned friend asked me if I was OK because she had heard me say just two weeks before at Thanksgiving dinner that I do not react well to sugar and had seen me abstain from eating it. She seemed shocked at the amount of “junk” food I had consumed that evening. Her comment intensely focused my attention on the hypocrisy I am living and have been living for a long time.
The first memory I have of this pattern appearing in my life is 7th grade. I have been repeating it since then in a myriad of unhealthy ways. Last November I recognized it as the binge disorder it is and clearly saw how my choice to continue harboring it has kept me from realizing my dreams. Even so, I have continued to tell myself that “I can handle it; I know what I am doing and I can stop at any time.” The truth is that I haven’t been handling it and I can’t stop it at any time. My friend’s concern made me see this clearly, for which I am truly grateful.
I have thought many times about seeking professional help to deal with my addiction and have not done so. Addiction serves a purpose, no matter how damaging the pattern, and for me it has filled an empty space in my heart where only love belongs. There is a chasm that exists between being loved and feeling loved. I have lived too long without feeling the great love that surrounds me and I no longer accept the lie that I have been living.
Today, I started anew and met with a professional to help me find a healthier way of being.