Friday, December 31, 2010
Funny Friday!
It is New Year's Eve AND Friday! I looked for funny New Year's quotes and jokes and was left unsatisfied, so I am defaulting to cats - a lovely source of humor for any occasion. A friend sent me this YouTube video recently and it made me laugh. Turn up the volume to hear the commentary. I hope you enjoy it! Happy New Year!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Beginning Anew
Beginnings challenge me. Beginning anything new, I feel awkward, unsure, and lost in not knowing how to proceed seamlessly from step one to step two. I stumble, begin anew, veer off track, and fight the desire to give up entirely. As life is a process of beginning, I have spent many years frustrated with getting from step a to step b. Recently, my crochet project gave me the opportunity to practice beginning and showed me the true gift of beginning anew.
In November, I began crocheting four place mats. For the first one, I followed a pattern. Each additional one has been my own creation, yet similar in theme. I love the creativity and freedom of designing my own patterns and struggle over figuring out how to mesh different stitches without a manual explaining each step. In this process, I often find myself deconstructing rows of stitches that took hours to create.
On a recent trip to Seattle, I had my crochet with me and one ball of yarn. On the plane westward, I found that the two stitches I had chosen to create a pattern for my second place mat were not working well together, making the piece uneven. I resisted pulling out the stitches and starting over, as I felt that if I started over the time and effort I had expended on that section would be wasted. Instead, I devised a "fix it" plan with my seatmate, a lovely woman from Alaska who was familiar with crochet.
As my trip progressed, I continued to try and make the stitches work together without tearing out any of my work. When I realized that I had seven additional days ahead of me and my one ball of yarn was disappearing rapidly into my work, I realized I had a choice to make. I had no way to buy additional yarn to continue my project, so I could either continue until my yarn was finished and be crochet-less for the remainder of the trip, or I could start over. I started over . . . from the beginning.
Once my perspective had changed, I easily accepted what had seemed so distasteful and wasteful to me on the plane: starting over. This was especially startling to me because I had expended extra effort to keep my additional design, worried over it, consulted about it, and spent much energy attempting to coax it into a workable pattern. Yet, when the time came to tear it out I did so easily, without worry, or regret, or self criticism, and with eager anticipation for the new, better pattern that was sure to emerge from my renewed effort.
This process fascinated me, as I had never before started anything over so easily. Thinking about this, I realized that it isn't ever possible to start over from exactly the same place as before because experience has value. I knew this intellectually, but to see it in practice and really "know" it was a startling revelation.
I now realize that whenever I begin anew, I begin from a "new" place because the passage of time and the experience gained during that time have value that cannot and are not erased even as crochet stitches unravel into a pile of squiggly yarn. So, I began anew, once, twice . . . four times, easily, without worry; and my finished place mat reaped the rewards of my letting go and beginning once more. I look forward to beginning anew in 2011. Happy New Year!
Here is a photo of my completed place mat:
In November, I began crocheting four place mats. For the first one, I followed a pattern. Each additional one has been my own creation, yet similar in theme. I love the creativity and freedom of designing my own patterns and struggle over figuring out how to mesh different stitches without a manual explaining each step. In this process, I often find myself deconstructing rows of stitches that took hours to create.
On a recent trip to Seattle, I had my crochet with me and one ball of yarn. On the plane westward, I found that the two stitches I had chosen to create a pattern for my second place mat were not working well together, making the piece uneven. I resisted pulling out the stitches and starting over, as I felt that if I started over the time and effort I had expended on that section would be wasted. Instead, I devised a "fix it" plan with my seatmate, a lovely woman from Alaska who was familiar with crochet.
As my trip progressed, I continued to try and make the stitches work together without tearing out any of my work. When I realized that I had seven additional days ahead of me and my one ball of yarn was disappearing rapidly into my work, I realized I had a choice to make. I had no way to buy additional yarn to continue my project, so I could either continue until my yarn was finished and be crochet-less for the remainder of the trip, or I could start over. I started over . . . from the beginning.
Once my perspective had changed, I easily accepted what had seemed so distasteful and wasteful to me on the plane: starting over. This was especially startling to me because I had expended extra effort to keep my additional design, worried over it, consulted about it, and spent much energy attempting to coax it into a workable pattern. Yet, when the time came to tear it out I did so easily, without worry, or regret, or self criticism, and with eager anticipation for the new, better pattern that was sure to emerge from my renewed effort.
This process fascinated me, as I had never before started anything over so easily. Thinking about this, I realized that it isn't ever possible to start over from exactly the same place as before because experience has value. I knew this intellectually, but to see it in practice and really "know" it was a startling revelation.
I now realize that whenever I begin anew, I begin from a "new" place because the passage of time and the experience gained during that time have value that cannot and are not erased even as crochet stitches unravel into a pile of squiggly yarn. So, I began anew, once, twice . . . four times, easily, without worry; and my finished place mat reaped the rewards of my letting go and beginning once more. I look forward to beginning anew in 2011. Happy New Year!
Here is a photo of my completed place mat:
Friday, December 24, 2010
FRIDAY FUN PAGE!
Many warm holiday greetings to you and your family! It has been a busy week of holiday preparation for me in anticipation of a five day trip to visit my husband's family in Illinois. I am looking forward to the trip and all the new experiences it will bring. I often joke that visiting family is a "growth opportunity."
When I go home I find myself caught between who my family remembers me to be and who I am now. Each visit brings me a little closer to merging those two ideas of me into one complete person and shows me quite clearly what parts of myself still need some attention. The process of growing to know myself better is not always a pain-free experience. Yet, I find that if my post-trip self-reflection is honest, I experience great gratitude for my family's special way of guiding me to be a better person. May your holidays be filled with light, love, and peace!
Here is a holiday puzzle I created to celebrate the season's many gifts. Enjoy!
BOWS
CARDS
CAROLS
FAMILY
FOOD
GAMES
GIFTS
JOY
LAUGHTER
LIGHTS
LOVE
PEACE - STORIES - TRAVEL - TREE - WREATH
When I go home I find myself caught between who my family remembers me to be and who I am now. Each visit brings me a little closer to merging those two ideas of me into one complete person and shows me quite clearly what parts of myself still need some attention. The process of growing to know myself better is not always a pain-free experience. Yet, I find that if my post-trip self-reflection is honest, I experience great gratitude for my family's special way of guiding me to be a better person. May your holidays be filled with light, love, and peace!
Here is a holiday puzzle I created to celebrate the season's many gifts. Enjoy!
HOLIDAY FIND-A-WORD!
Unscramble the extra letters to solve the puzzle. There is one word that does not follow the traditional find-a-word rules of across, down, diagonal, forward, or backward.
L
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Q
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C
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A
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R
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D
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S
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A
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S
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B
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P
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E
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A
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C
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E
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S
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I
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U
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E
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O
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F
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W
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R
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E
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A
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T
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H
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E
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I
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W
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A
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J
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O
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E
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R
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F
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N
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V
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R
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S
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M
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O
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L
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R
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T
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I
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F
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O
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O
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D
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I
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Y
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S
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T
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H
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G
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I
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L
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T
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S
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L
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A
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U
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G
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H
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T
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E
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R
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S
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E
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Y
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L
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E
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V
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A
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R
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T
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G
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A
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M
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CARDS
CAROLS
FAMILY
FOOD
GAMES
GIFTS
JOY
LAUGHTER
LIGHTS
LOVE
PEACE - STORIES - TRAVEL - TREE - WREATH
Solution: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Doing it My Way
I've been playing with the idea of rules lately, as in, what is my rule set and does it serve me? For too many years I have played by and willingly adopted other people's rules. Since breaking the rule that a successful attorney must remain one or be deemed unfit to practice anything, I have been increasingly finding myself saying, "I want to do it my way." On Sunday night, I had the opportunity to experience "doing it my way" in a brand new way.
Over the past few years I have taken to reusing cards that people have thoughtfully sent to me. I have a pile of beautiful cards that consist solely of the front cover of the original greeting. When an appropriate occasion arises, I inscribe a message on the blank side, make or find an envelope that will fit the card, and entrust it to the U.S. Postal Service. This approach has worked swimmingly in the past, especially when I have had extra envelopes of the appropriate size lying around waiting to be useful in some capacity. When I have had only one or two odd sized cards to be sent, I have handmade the envelopes, with much creative glee.
On Sunday night, however, I found myself with twelve holiday cards of various sizes and only one perfectly sized envelope. My frugal self was disgusted by the idea of buying envelopes after lovingly reclaiming all of these beautiful cards - for free, so I had to find another solution. I thought, I'll just make envelopes using a roll of white paper that I had lying around. This idea was good in theory, not in practice.
On my first envelope-making attempt, I found that the white paper was sufficiently see-through such that it would not work as envelope material. When I my first solution turned out to be unworkable, I became instantly frustrated as I had sufficient holiday cards with which to greet my loved ones and no way to tell the post office where to deliver them. It also piqued the ire of my inner "good girl" whose perfectionist personality demanded that my holiday cards look like every one I had already received: white envelope closed on three sides, glue stick flap, some with gold foil, all perfectly normal. Oh, and mailed on Monday.
With my inner "good girl" screaming that once again I hadn't prepared appropriately and now would be unable to send my cards in time for the holiday, a beautifully freeing thought occurred to me: Envelopes? - merely a suggestion (a phrase borrowed from Jack Sparrow and brought to my attention lately by a close friend). Just because a standard envelope is the traditionally accepted way to mail cards to people doesn't in fact mean that every card needs to be in one. I took stock of my resources; I did not have envelopes, but I did have wrapping paper. I asked "good girl" to be flexible, called on my inner "artist" and wrapped each card like a present. It served the purpose, looked festive, thrilled my artistic side, and was a small victory for me in redefining "the rules" and practicing "doing it my way." Here is the result of my rule breaking:
Over the past few years I have taken to reusing cards that people have thoughtfully sent to me. I have a pile of beautiful cards that consist solely of the front cover of the original greeting. When an appropriate occasion arises, I inscribe a message on the blank side, make or find an envelope that will fit the card, and entrust it to the U.S. Postal Service. This approach has worked swimmingly in the past, especially when I have had extra envelopes of the appropriate size lying around waiting to be useful in some capacity. When I have had only one or two odd sized cards to be sent, I have handmade the envelopes, with much creative glee.
On Sunday night, however, I found myself with twelve holiday cards of various sizes and only one perfectly sized envelope. My frugal self was disgusted by the idea of buying envelopes after lovingly reclaiming all of these beautiful cards - for free, so I had to find another solution. I thought, I'll just make envelopes using a roll of white paper that I had lying around. This idea was good in theory, not in practice.
On my first envelope-making attempt, I found that the white paper was sufficiently see-through such that it would not work as envelope material. When I my first solution turned out to be unworkable, I became instantly frustrated as I had sufficient holiday cards with which to greet my loved ones and no way to tell the post office where to deliver them. It also piqued the ire of my inner "good girl" whose perfectionist personality demanded that my holiday cards look like every one I had already received: white envelope closed on three sides, glue stick flap, some with gold foil, all perfectly normal. Oh, and mailed on Monday.
With my inner "good girl" screaming that once again I hadn't prepared appropriately and now would be unable to send my cards in time for the holiday, a beautifully freeing thought occurred to me: Envelopes? - merely a suggestion (a phrase borrowed from Jack Sparrow and brought to my attention lately by a close friend). Just because a standard envelope is the traditionally accepted way to mail cards to people doesn't in fact mean that every card needs to be in one. I took stock of my resources; I did not have envelopes, but I did have wrapping paper. I asked "good girl" to be flexible, called on my inner "artist" and wrapped each card like a present. It served the purpose, looked festive, thrilled my artistic side, and was a small victory for me in redefining "the rules" and practicing "doing it my way." Here is the result of my rule breaking:
p.s. one of my cards was returned to me today, 12/22/10. I will let you know if this was an anomaly and this little rule breaking experiment succeeds in practice. :)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Fun Feeling Friday!
It's FRIDAY!! I am reserving this Friday blog space for fun! This Dilbert cartoon has always made me laugh and it serves a dual purpose of reminding me that perspective is everything!! Enjoy!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
TRUTH
Last weekend I went to a holiday party and ate many cookies and much chocolate. Since declaring my Whole Health Mission in 2005, I have taken great care to educate myself about nutrition and what is best for my body. Throughout this process, however, I have continued to accommodate a pattern of binge eating that is not in alignment with my goal of becoming truly healthy. At the party, a concerned friend asked me if I was OK because she had heard me say just two weeks before at Thanksgiving dinner that I do not react well to sugar and had seen me abstain from eating it. She seemed shocked at the amount of “junk” food I had consumed that evening. Her comment intensely focused my attention on the hypocrisy I am living and have been living for a long time.
The first memory I have of this pattern appearing in my life is 7th grade. I have been repeating it since then in a myriad of unhealthy ways. Last November I recognized it as the binge disorder it is and clearly saw how my choice to continue harboring it has kept me from realizing my dreams. Even so, I have continued to tell myself that “I can handle it; I know what I am doing and I can stop at any time.” The truth is that I haven’t been handling it and I can’t stop it at any time. My friend’s concern made me see this clearly, for which I am truly grateful.
I have thought many times about seeking professional help to deal with my addiction and have not done so. Addiction serves a purpose, no matter how damaging the pattern, and for me it has filled an empty space in my heart where only love belongs. There is a chasm that exists between being loved and feeling loved. I have lived too long without feeling the great love that surrounds me and I no longer accept the lie that I have been living.
Today, I started anew and met with a professional to help me find a healthier way of being.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Am I enough?
As I was walking to the store yesterday, fantasizing about my first art show opening, which lives in my imagination, I started thinking about how what one does is so much a part of how others view them. When I was a prosecutor, I wore the mantel of the government and enjoyed the status that comes automatically from the label "Attorney". As an attorney I buried myself in my work and found myself in a near panic every time someone asked me, "So, what do you do for fun?" I felt great sadness that I did not know how to answer that question. The truth was that I had so embraced my role as a prosecutor and lawyer that I had, over time, ceased to be anything but what those labels implied. When I realized that I no longer could sense any part of myself that was not identified with my chosen profession I left the practice of law.
Two years have passed since then and I am a much calmer, more centered, happier and lighter individual for having taken the jump into creating a life I truly want to be living. And, yet, I now find myself terrified by the question, "So, what do you do for work?" In giving up my status, my title, and my unhappiness I now find myself wondering if who I am without those societal validators is enough. Am I enough?
A few weeks ago while I was wallowing quite openly in my despair over my self proclaimed identity crisis my good friend looked at his 2 year old and said, in essence, "What does he do? Is he productive? No, he does nothing. He just laughs and is." He just is. He just is delightful. Later, I asked my husband to identify how I am useful in this world. He replied that I inspire people. And so I ask you, is being inspiring enough?
Two years have passed since then and I am a much calmer, more centered, happier and lighter individual for having taken the jump into creating a life I truly want to be living. And, yet, I now find myself terrified by the question, "So, what do you do for work?" In giving up my status, my title, and my unhappiness I now find myself wondering if who I am without those societal validators is enough. Am I enough?
A few weeks ago while I was wallowing quite openly in my despair over my self proclaimed identity crisis my good friend looked at his 2 year old and said, in essence, "What does he do? Is he productive? No, he does nothing. He just laughs and is." He just is. He just is delightful. Later, I asked my husband to identify how I am useful in this world. He replied that I inspire people. And so I ask you, is being inspiring enough?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Trust
A friend recently showed me this little trick. Hold out your hand and ask yourself a question, such as, "Do I want to go for a walk?", and then flick your middle (second) finger over your index (first) finger. If the middle finger lands strongly and connects with your index finger the answer is "yes". If the middle finger bypasses the index finger, your answer to the question is "no." This is a handy little exercise to find out what your right brain thinks about any question. The right brain, or artistic side, has no verbal language, so it communicates through your body. In theory, using this little trick, one can make an informed decision on any issue because the right brain, the body, has been consulted and it is one's body that truly knows what is right for it. In theory.
In using this little test, I have discovered that I do not trust my left thinking brain not to override my right body brain's choice and manipulate the result to get the answer my left brain has decided is what I desire. In essence, I think I lie, to myself, often. Wow. So I woke up this morning and realized that if I don't trust myself and I am all I truly have in this world, then where does that leave me??? In a pretty sad and lonely state, I'd say.
I have found throughout my life that I show up and achieve things in life much more fluidly if someone expects something of me. My realization this morning that I don't trust myself has confirmed that I am not a reliable source of expectation. But you are. No worries, you don't have anything to do, just show up, as you are, here, with me. That is all I ask. The Universe will handle the rest.
In using this little test, I have discovered that I do not trust my left thinking brain not to override my right body brain's choice and manipulate the result to get the answer my left brain has decided is what I desire. In essence, I think I lie, to myself, often. Wow. So I woke up this morning and realized that if I don't trust myself and I am all I truly have in this world, then where does that leave me??? In a pretty sad and lonely state, I'd say.
I have found throughout my life that I show up and achieve things in life much more fluidly if someone expects something of me. My realization this morning that I don't trust myself has confirmed that I am not a reliable source of expectation. But you are. No worries, you don't have anything to do, just show up, as you are, here, with me. That is all I ask. The Universe will handle the rest.
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