Chocolate Oat Coconut Clusters (Unsweetened and Gluten Free!)

I experiment regularly with creating unsweetened desserts that 1) actually feel like dessert when eaten, and 2) are tasty enough to serve to others. I have created many "desserts" that do not meet these two criteria and result mostly in frustration and disappointment. Fortunately, my husband is a forgiving and hungry sort who enjoys almost anything I bake!

Here, however, is a recipe I created that does meet these two important criteria. After making these twice - to test the recipe - I decided that the reason they work is because only the sweetness is missing - the fat, that is present in any satisfying after-dinner-delight, remains. Feel free to experiment with this recipe and send me your delicious variations.

Chocolate Oat Coconut Clusters, Unsweetened and Gluten Free!
1/2 C. Almond Flour
1/2 C. Gluten Free Quick Oats
1 Tbs. Cocoa Powder, unsweetened (Ghirardelli)
1 tsp. Cinnamon
1/2 tsp. Ground Ginger
pinch sea salt - or to taste
1 Tbs. coconut oil, melted
1 egg, slightly beaten
1 tsp Vanilla
1/8 C. Coconut Milk (So Delicious, Beverage)

Preheat oven to 350 Degrees Fahrenheit and grease a cookie baking sheet with coconut oil, set aside. Measure 1 Tbs. coconut oil into a small glass bowl and warm until melted, set aside. In a small bowl, add first six (dry) ingredients and mix well. Pour 1/8 cup Coconut Milk into a 1 C. liquid measure, add egg, vanilla, and melted coconut oil; mix well. Pour wet ingredients into dry ingredients and mix well. Adjust batter consistency by adding more Coconut Milk. Form batter into tablespoon portions and place on greased baking sheet. Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 15-18 minutes, or until set and bottom is lightly brown. Makes 12 cookies.

Unsweetened me.

I've been playing with sugar recently. Sharing the holidays with friends and loved-ones often spurs the desire to "relax" into sugar. I tell myself, as I reach for the ice cream with spoon in hand, that I deserve a little treat. I know that with just a little "hit" of that sweet goodness my mind will relax, the tension in my jaw will soften, and sharp emotional edges garnered from sharing too small a space with too many loved ones for too long a time will feel less jagged. I tell myself that I deserve a reward for making it through the day with a smile on my face even though inside I flirt with the desire to scream and run.

The spoon slips easily into the creamy, mocha delight. I blanch a bit as the bitter coffee flavor melts on my tongue. I decide to try another taste. An hour later I am chatty and relaxed. Feeling confident as the sweetness sweetens my temperament, I think loving thoughts of loved ones and holiday time, in general. Aaah, I think, the world is just a little bit lighter when sugar is involved. I know now why wine is a staple at the holiday table.

It is foggy and damp here today, with a chill in the air that runs bone-deep. I woke up, remembered my current struggle, and wept. My dalliance with sugar came to an end a week ago. With nothing to buffer the pain I am experiencing, raw emotion washes through my blood. I breathe deeply, I cry solidly, I breathe again. I do not feel confident, or relaxed, or loving. I feel alone and sad and slightly desperate. Sugar, in all its finery, does not dance through my veins. Unsweetened, no false sense of confidence nor chatty ease transfigures my emotional storm. Solidly in my pain, I am fully me.

The fog and rain continue to cloud my outside world. On the inside, I have found some measure of peace. A surprise gift in the mail, a call to a close friend, and a little external pampering in the form of a much needed hair cut allow me to reflect on my tumult with some objectivity. Comparing my recent holiday experience to the storm that raged within this morning, I am grateful for my ability to feel deeply. Free of sugar's hypnotic effect, I acknowledge the deep courage it takes to truly feel my pain and wait . . . while, in time, the storm ebbs and the pain, softened by love this time, not sweets, slowly dissolves.

November

As November draws to a close, I am writing with great gratitude for the many gifts it has brought me.

November used to be my least favorite month. Cold and dark and rainy, for most of my life I have viewed November as a dreaded bone-chilling expanse between crisp and colorful October and festive, white December. This November, I feel differently.

Over the past few years, I have come to appreciate November as something more than the dismal month connecting October and December. I don't believe that November, itself, has changed - especially since I now live further North than I have in the past and my experience of November is colder and darker than ever. Instead, I know that I have changed. As I've slowly unwound from my fast paced attorney life, each November since 2008 has seemed a little softer, a bit quieter, a tad less lonely and even a little less dark to me. As my mind has relaxed from the constant pressure of tracking trial deadlines, scheduling meetings, and preparing for court appearances, I have developed a greater awareness of my physical surroundings: the path the sun marks in the sky, the moon's light pouring through my sleeping window, and the blooming and retiring of nature's bounty from Spring into Fall.

As I walked past the lake on November 21st, the cold, dark water reflected the blue-gray clouds as the chilled breeze blew small, lapping waves upon the sandy shoreline. In this moment, I embraced the joy and blessing that is November - a time for slowing down from the chaotic blaze of color that October offers, reflecting on nature's transition, and preparing for December's snowy, peace. The lake's beauty engulfed me as I recognized that the gentle unwinding within me, now surrounds me, and I gave thanks for this and every November of my life.

Left Brain: "Just Tell Me What To Do, Please!"

I've spent most of the past two days fretting. Tying myself in knots and tangles in the most unproductive way, I have, quite frankly, been feeling miserable. Miserable as in trapped - for no apparent reason. Nothing has dramatically changed from a week ago when I was quite happy and pleasantly productive, so I could not determine what exactly was causing my malaise. Yes, here in the north woods, it is still dark at 7:30 a.m. and yes, it has been overcast and gray for days now, but that just didn't seem like enough to cause me, a generally optimistic and upbeat soul, to wallow so deeply in my pit of seemingly self created despair.

Today, I got curious. I started to look at this misery from an objective viewpoint and after turning it this way and that to see all sides of it, I figured it out. No deadlines. The difference between last week - happy - and this week - miserable - is the absence of deadlines. I have no meetings to prepare for, no emails of any pressing importance to draft, no birthday cards to artistically create, no nothing. Of course, I have lots that I could be doing to meet future deadlines: there are paper mache bowl orders to fill before Christmas, two birthdays in November, and handouts to edit for a series of workshops I am presenting in the Spring, but none of them are demanding my immediate attention.

This used to happen to me as an attorney. I would finish a brief and wander around my office for three days checking email and feeling like a complete fraud because I felt incapacitated to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. I always attributed this post-project time period to mental exhaustion, but now I am seeing it in a whole new light. Deadlines. It turns out that those pesky time sensitive proverbial "lines in the sand" that I have dreaded my entire life are actually a necessary boundary that allows my left brain to focus on an identifiable, concrete goal. Left untethered by such a boundary, my thinking, analytical left brain quite literally turns on itself in sheer boredom like a border collie without a job. Simply fascinating.

I am looking forward to testing this new hypothesis in the coming week and, fingers crossed,returning to my cheerful, productive self.

Just Answer the Question, Please!

As an attorney, I have been trained to ask questions, demand that others answer those questions and do all that I can not to answer a single question directed my way. No longer practicing law, I have carried this conditioning with me and continue to practice NOT answering questions. This morning, I realized what a huge disservice I have done to myself in practicing such evasion. This morning's interaction:

Husband: "What do you want for breakfast?"
Me: "I don't know, it's your birthday weekend, what do you want?"

Now, this may seem sweet, at first glance. He should have whatever he wants on his birthday, right? Yes, and no. Yes, because he deserves some pampering on his birthday. No, because evading the question made me feel small and powerless. When given the opportunity to express my desire, I chose to hide my truth instead. As a result, my "answer", instead of being sweet and selfless, served no one. It robbed me of the opportunity to be and feel heard and it robbed him of the opportunity to consider another possibility that my answer may have presented.

After this exchange, I realized that I no longer want to live this way. I want to be seen and heard in this world in every way. I now see that his choice and mine can coexist, such that we both have the opportunity to be heard and feel satisfied with the outcome. My goal for this coming week is to practice what I have told countless witnesses in preparing for trial: listen to the question and answer the question.

I'm Back!

Okay, confession time. I have been avoiding this space like the plague . . . and all of you. I'm not proud of my cowardice, but I am, with this post, emerging from the dark in which I have been hiding these past few months back into the light of revelation and truth.

In my first post on 12/14/10, I asked all of you to "just show up", here, in this space, with the intent that your presence, alone, would keep me honest with myself and focused on my journey and I promised to do the same.  This equation only works, however, if both parties actually participate.  These past few months I have not held up my part of the bargain knowing that writing for all of you would require me to be accountable to me, as well.  And, frankly, I have not been all that impressed with my behavior over these past few months.

I started this blog to help myself out of addiction to sugar. In April, I committed to no longer eating sugar, fruit included, and I have stuck by that commitment. However, nature does not enjoy a vacuum and when the sugar left, I replaced it quite handily with the next category of carbohydrates on what I call "the carbohydrate continuum", whole grain.  Bingeing on rice and oats doesn't sound too, bad, right? Wrong. Bingeing is binging and carbohydrates turn into sugar in the body, so even though the effects of my binging were not as dramatic, the stress on my body, and my conscience, has remained.

Addiction feeds on darkness, silence, and stress and all the yoga, meditation, prayer, grounding techniques, chakra energy work, and breathing in the world, in my experience, can not replace the healing revelatory power that comes from sharing myself with others. And, so, this is me, emerging from the dark, whole, and willing to journey this day with you, by my side, knowing that together we can heal anything. Thank you for being here.

Eternal Possibility, Part III: Editing and Proofreading

Eternal Possibility: living knowing that all things are possible involves redefining how I relate to my world.

When I left the practice of law in 2008, I did not expect to practice law again, however, I did expect that the skills I learned as an attorney would, in time, serve me in another way. One skill I developed in law school, practiced as an appellate attorney, and continue to enjoy is editing/proofreading. I love the power word choice and placement give an author to convey their thoughts to another through time and space. And I love knowing that my ability to spot errors will lead a reader to greater enjoyment as the words flow effortlessly across the page.

For the past six weeks, I have spent considerable time editing/proofreading for Concord Free Press, a non-profit alternative publisher. I was first introduced to CFP in June 2009 when I attended a book release party for CFP's second title, Push Comes To Shove, by Wesley Brown. Before the book reading, Editor-in-Chief and founder, Stona Fitch explained CFP's concept: Generosity in Publishing. Free books, written by well known authors, that raise money for a charity or cause of the reader's choice. I was hooked. Here was a group of writers who recognized publishing as a vehicle to spread good will and made it happen. The beauty of the CFP concept is that the authors retain the publishing rights, so the books are often published and sold through mainstream outlets, following the CFP release, while the CFP copies continue to circulate and raise money for those in need. The ability to retain the publishing rights attracts well known authors to CFP. In turn, the authors' prior work creates a reader-base eager to donate in exchange for the opportunity to read their favored author's new release. Every person involved benefits. Simply brilliant. I couldn't wait to get involved.

I immediately volunteered to edit/proofread for CFP and in Fall 2009 I did a final proofread/edit of CFP's third title, The Next Queen of Heaven, written by Gregory Maguire. I loved every minute of it. Since then, I have worked with CFP on three hard copy books and, most recently, on five e-books newly released for concord e-press. The proceeds of the e-books are split equally between the author and CFP, which will make CFP viable for years to come.

To date, CFP readers have donated over $215,000 to causes worldwide that are as varied as giving 7 pounds (approximately $11.00) to a homeless person in the U.K. to donating $1,000 to the Red Cross. My work with CFP has been infinitely rewarding: I love reviewing the work of talented authors knowing that I am part of an organization that is making a difference in the world; and, I love that I have found a creative way to use the editing/proofreading skills I developed as an attorney in service of the greater good.

If you are interested in learning more about CFP, you can check out the site at: http://www.concordfreepress.com/  To visit concord e-press, click here: http://www.concordepress.com/