Unsweetened me.

I've been playing with sugar recently. Sharing the holidays with friends and loved-ones often spurs the desire to "relax" into sugar. I tell myself, as I reach for the ice cream with spoon in hand, that I deserve a little treat. I know that with just a little "hit" of that sweet goodness my mind will relax, the tension in my jaw will soften, and sharp emotional edges garnered from sharing too small a space with too many loved ones for too long a time will feel less jagged. I tell myself that I deserve a reward for making it through the day with a smile on my face even though inside I flirt with the desire to scream and run.

The spoon slips easily into the creamy, mocha delight. I blanch a bit as the bitter coffee flavor melts on my tongue. I decide to try another taste. An hour later I am chatty and relaxed. Feeling confident as the sweetness sweetens my temperament, I think loving thoughts of loved ones and holiday time, in general. Aaah, I think, the world is just a little bit lighter when sugar is involved. I know now why wine is a staple at the holiday table.

It is foggy and damp here today, with a chill in the air that runs bone-deep. I woke up, remembered my current struggle, and wept. My dalliance with sugar came to an end a week ago. With nothing to buffer the pain I am experiencing, raw emotion washes through my blood. I breathe deeply, I cry solidly, I breathe again. I do not feel confident, or relaxed, or loving. I feel alone and sad and slightly desperate. Sugar, in all its finery, does not dance through my veins. Unsweetened, no false sense of confidence nor chatty ease transfigures my emotional storm. Solidly in my pain, I am fully me.

The fog and rain continue to cloud my outside world. On the inside, I have found some measure of peace. A surprise gift in the mail, a call to a close friend, and a little external pampering in the form of a much needed hair cut allow me to reflect on my tumult with some objectivity. Comparing my recent holiday experience to the storm that raged within this morning, I am grateful for my ability to feel deeply. Free of sugar's hypnotic effect, I acknowledge the deep courage it takes to truly feel my pain and wait . . . while, in time, the storm ebbs and the pain, softened by love this time, not sweets, slowly dissolves.

Happy I Love You Day!

val-en-tine (val'en-tin')- n. 1.A sentiment or greeting of affection

sent to a sweetheart, friend, or family member. 2. A person

singled out as one's favorite on Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day! In the past, I haven't given this day much thought. I always saw it as a commercial holiday devised to sell candy hearts, cheesy cards, expensive dinners, overpriced roses, and a boat-load of chocolate. It can still be viewed this way, but this year this day means so much more to me. Surprisingly enough, Hollywood triggered this change in attitude for me, for which I am grateful.

A gorgeous, hand-crafted Valentine's Day
 card from my talented Aunt Barbara.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I watched the celebrity filled movie of last year, Valentine's Day. I didn't know what to expect from it and I was pleasantly surprised. The movie followed a host of characters in different stages of love relationships, friend and romantic, and celebrated the many ways people express their love for one another. It made me see the beauty of an entire day to just say "I love you", "I think  you are special", and "You mean so much more to me than mere words can say." That is, it revealed to me the true meaning of this day.

In past years, I have received Valentine's Day cards from relatives who, I now realize, have always celebrated this day for its deep, true meaning. I did not send cards myself and I did not truly grasp that my relatives' Valentine's greetings were filled with special love for me. This year, I enjoyed cutting out hearts and sending Valentine's Day cards to loved ones. As my heart expanded, I felt loved and rejoiced. May your day be filled with special messages of love, as well. xo

TRUTH

Last weekend I went to a holiday party and ate many cookies and much chocolate. Since declaring my Whole Health Mission in 2005, I have taken great care to educate myself about nutrition and what is best for my body. Throughout this process, however, I have continued to accommodate a pattern of binge eating that is not in alignment with my goal of becoming truly healthy. At the party, a concerned friend asked me if I was OK because she had heard me say just two weeks before at Thanksgiving dinner that I do not react well to sugar and had seen me abstain from eating it. She seemed shocked at the amount of “junk” food I had consumed that evening. Her comment intensely focused my attention on the hypocrisy I am living and have been living for a long time.

The first memory I have of this pattern appearing in my life is 7^th grade. I have been repeating it since then in a myriad of unhealthy ways. Last November I recognized it as the binge disorder it is and clearly saw how my choice to continue harboring it has kept me from realizing my dreams. Even so, I have continued to tell myself that “I can handle it; I know what I am doing and I can stop at any time.” The truth is that I haven’t been handling it and I can’t stop it at any time. My friend’s concern made me see this clearly, for which I am truly grateful.

I have thought many times about seeking professional help to deal with my addiction and have not done so. Addiction serves a purpose, no matter how damaging the pattern, and for me it has filled an empty space in my heart where only love belongs. There is a chasm that exists between being loved and feeling loved. I have lived too long without feeling the great love that surrounds me and I no longer accept the lie that I have been living.

Today, I started anew and met with a professional to help me find a healthier way of being.